Fall forward. That’s what Denzel Washington said to the 6000-odd graduates from the 2011 class of UPenn1.
I don’t even remember my graduation ceremony. It was sometime during 2019. All I got now is a photo of me holding the scroll with a yellow gown that was rented for 200-odd rupees that day. I didn’t even ask for my parents to be present at the ceremony. That was the culmination of my 4 years of engineering studies with a couple of backlogs and lots of 42-page marathons.
A lot of that attitude had much to do with the UPSC prelims exam that was lingering around. I wanted to become a diplomat. I wanted to attend LBSNAA. I imagined my travels out of India with a maroon passport. I dreamed of hosting premiers and presidents across continents. With all these magnanimous dreams, the graduation ceremony of a ceremonial engineering degree that I held felt minuscule.
3 years later, I was battling depression. I tanked 3 prelims in a row. Way out of depression? I started writing. I christened a pen name, and the words flooded out. Life was happening in parallel. I shifted bases. Bought books to read with girlfriend’s money. Got drunk with friends’ money. Went on trips with parents’ money. Started listening to Amit Trivedi. Fell in love with Wong Kar-Wai’s Hong Kong. Wrote about everything. Then, went on to appear for my last prelims. In a sense, that was the final exams before my next graduation ceremony, the true one.
In July 2022, I landed my first job. Earned my first penny. Still remember it like yesterday. 46 months later, I am here in Toronto with my wife (yes, the same girl), figuring out our next phase of life together. I fell forward.
Looking down the road, what Roger Federer said in Dartmouth2 feels so personal. He said,
- Effortless is a myth
- It’s only a point
- Life’s bigger than the court
All 3 hold true in my case. I have seen a lot of people online express similar thoughts.
Effort matters. What people saw, and especially what people didn’t. My efforts during my UPSC years, they were there. But it was not in one direction. When I missed clearing one of the prelims by a solid 3.4 marks, the effort wavered. I missed the grit to continue. I put all my efforts towards the diverged road. I wrote movie reviews, film essays, edited homage videos, and was reading ‘The Godfather’. All these efforts mattered. Because when I landed my first job, barely a month into my job search, I thought I did it effortlessly. Like the straight drive of the master. Nope, I was wrong big time. My efforts were there, only I did not see them. Glad I understood it loud and clear now. Effortless is a myth.
It’s only a point. Well, in my case, it was only an exam. Failing that didn’t mean failing in life. When I understood that (then, without the help of Roger), life happened. I got a job that changed my life in a million ways. I moved to a new city that hugged me into its arms. I met so many people, all interesting in their own ways. I learnt French. I started cooking. I sang. I danced. I felt alive again. The joie de vivre was intoxicating. All because, like Roger, even though I have lost 46% of the points I’ve played so far, I won 80% of the matches like him. I earned friends for life. I saw my family let go of a few of their strict tendencies for the sake of my happiness. Strangers helped me retrieve keys. People said they would miss me, when the ways parted. And the biggest of them all, my girlfriend agreed to be my life, sorry wife. I lost a point, but I was on course to win the match.
Lesson 3. Life’s bigger than the court. The finish line keeps moving. Tash Aw in ‘The South’ says about the protagonist, “The sudden appearance of life has made him lifeless”. I felt similar. What next? I’ve pondered over this question for the past few months.
Ever since zigarthanda happened, I wanted to start a newsletter.
Under the fan, it is. Let it rip, my bears!